easybreezy

I am so so so so so happy that the month of May is finally OVER!!   I’ve never been any more busier or booked in my life than this past month.  I had to by a day planner just so I could keep track of everything I had planned for this month and now that it’s over I am going to be very bored because I’m free!

Relay for Life went good, it was our first year as a team and our team captain sucked at putting this together.  My manager realizes he should have put me as the captain because I’ve participated in it before so I knew what was going on as opposed to our captain… who was walking around like her head was chopped off.

I haven’t been able to get on here the last few days because work has been crazy hectic.  Wed. and Thurs. I had to work until 10:30pm so I usually get on here and post in the afternoon like today.  Well after getting out of work at 10:30 I had to go home and get in bed to be up at 5:30am for work on Fri.  I hate when I work late the night before and I have to work earlythe next day.  So Fri we had a flower flat sale and people were lined up at my customer service counter before I even arrived for work!!  Like I thought hello rude you just assume I’m going to be there what if they changed it that day (they didn’t, but it’s the point that you don’t assume) So that was probably the  craziest day I’ve ever had at work even considering the holidays.  I got out at 3:30 and had to go right to the Relay for Life.  I went to that for about an hour,  because my team being so put together all walked at the same time.  I dragged my manager down there for one because he’s one of my best friends and for another I thought it would look good on his part to be there too.  Well since he drove I had to leave after an hour because it being such a crazy day people forget how to handle things and we had to go up to our workplace to fix something in the cash office.  I was to exhuasted to go back to Realy and I had to be back at work at 7am for Sat. also so I came home at like 10pm and went right to bed.  I got up and went to work it was far better considering the day before.  I got out at noon and had to go to a 50th wedding anniversary and I was naughty teehee, but I’m also ok with myself I’m calling yesterday my high cal day.  I’m still working on the whole think positively and not thinking mean thoughts about myself either.  Well I cam home from that at about 4pm,  when the D.J. got there and started playing country music lol… I was outtie!  I came home for a much needed 2 hour nap.  I woke up and went to the store for some groceries and what not then came home to have to scarf down some hummus and get up and go to hang out with some friends and drink margaritas and play some games… yes I did drink a couple and actually got a horrible stomach ache from all the sugar and had to thankfully call it quits.  I got home at 3am this morning and slept until 12:30pm lol.  I feel so refreshed and I remembered I haven’t gotten to get on here all weekend!  So here I am and now I have to go get ready for work lol.  I have to work the office and I LOVE Sun. office it is so easy I get done with all my work early… usually.

So yesterday was kind of hell for me.  I had to work 4-10:30 really supposed to be 9:30, but things weren’t adding up in the cash office so it took forever to balance the money.  The work part wasn’t bad actually, it was the fact that I kept thinking of how I looked to people.   My pants were tight because I let myself indulge in a few things on Mon. and Tues.  I don’t know why, but I was craving chips so I had some sun chips and it hit the spot for me and I had a couple pieces of cake so it put me up on the scale a little bit I didn’t care about that.  The worst part, the part I hate the most is when the pants get tight and I know it’s from being bloated.  I’m not sure why I can stay away from some salty foods and not from others… like Chinese food  that is a HUGE no-no for me and I’m okay with that because I don’t want to  get bloated from it,  yet I didn’t even think of how much sodium was in those chips.  It’s like the pickle predicament I just don’t think about it before I do it.

I weighed myself this morning and lost almost 5 lbs in my sleep .  So long water retention and bloatiness!!  I’m hoping the pants aren’t tight today because it really makes me feel horrible for the rest of the day.  Oh and as far as the feeling normal thing goes I was really going to try and work on it yet the whole time I was in that cash office (supposed to be counting money) all I could think about was how fat I am/FELT.  You see I get no break from it, not even when I’m at work and I’m supposed to be consentrating on counting the money in the store which is a HUGE responsibility.

I was going to go work out last night after I got out, but I got out an hour late so I didn’t and I won’t have time tonight since I get out at 10:30 and have to be up at 5:30 the next 2 days.  However I am participating in the American Cancer Society’s Relay For Life this Fri and Sat.  I will be walking for about 3 hours each day around a track in my local park.  That will keep me busy I don’t think I’ll be breaking a sweat so it’s not a workout, but I’m doing something along with working those 2 days also.  My little feet are going to be a moving!

So I’ve decided I’ve got to get back to that gym pain or no pain.  I’m just going to take it easy and see how that goes and where it takes me.  I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, the gears in my head they are constantly turning thinking about the same thing morning, noon and night and you know what I’m constantly thinking about… my body and how I look and how others are perceiving it and the numbers obviously,  how much the scale was down or up, then lastly what I can and can’t eat, frankly I think I’m obsessed and maybe a little neurotic and I’m sick of it.  I want to go back to how I thought before my lifestyle change.  I didn’t think about what I looked like or what I weighed and how I looked to others, I didn’t care.  Now I don’t want to go back to not caring what I eat but just the thought process.  For the last couple days I gave myself the freedom to eat what I wanted in seeing what I chose.  For the most part it was good some of it not so good, but I know it’s business as usual today and I embrace that,  I look forward to it,  I prefer it.  I don’t know why, but every now and then I just feel the urge to eat something I haven’t in a real long time (I have no clue why) and I let myself in moderation have it if it’s something I truly haven’t eaten in a long time.  I don’t want to think I have to give up everything for this,  and I think it’s because I don’t feel normal anymore.   You know the more I write and read this the more I think I could talk to a shrink or something lol.   Well I’m kind of sick and tired of trying to analyze myself.

Yesterday was my only day off this week and I wanted to enjoy it doing nothing, instead I gave my grandma a mini mani and pedi.  After that I dragged my mother and sister outside to plant all the beautiful flowers I bought when I went to Detroit.  I didn’y buy enough to fill both flower beds so I have to visit a nursery and buy a few more, but I’m excited because I love picking out gorgeous flowers, however I have learned wait actually I have remembered I HATE planting them hahaha.

So I have to make this very quick… Word of advice never ever eat 2 very large,  large and in charge pickles in one sitting.  I ate 2 very large pickles out of a barrel and didn’t pay attention to the sodium count until I gained,  I hopped on that scale and it said I had gained 2 pounds since the previous day.  I looked up the sodium and added it all up it was about 3,000mg of sodium I really need to be a lot more aware of what I am putting into my mouth for my poor bodies sake!  I’ve got to go to a wedding reception tonight and it’s already 9pm so I’ve really got to go now.  Stay away from the pickles!!!

to get through the 160’s, but I’m prepared.

So I left off with Fridays excursions on to Sat.  I went to my cousins graduation from college (this is the sabotaging family’s son) he is like a brother to me and I was so happy to see him accomplish this,  yet sad because he’s moving away.  I made  Sat. my high calorie day and stuck with predominately healthy foods and when it came to dinner I took about a tablespoon full of potato salad and coleslaw that was made and had a veggie burger.  There was a veggie tray out and I kept eating all the veggies so I would have to turn around and refill it which isn’t bad except I ate it with the dip.  I also ate chips and salsa which I love that is one thing I used to eat everyday.  I had literally one bite of cake which was delish and opted for a healthier dessert although I ate a lot of it lol :p  I went out later that night to the bar with my cousin and his girlfriend it was like a going away get together for him and his friends so I was kind of bored so I left at like 11:30.  Oh I forgot on the way to the ceremony I had a nasty McDonald’s cappachino (sp) so on the way back from the ceremony my cousin, his girlfriends and my sister and I went to Starbucks for a good drink I had a java chocolate chip frappachino (sp).  My cousin goes to Starbucks every night they know him so well there he gets his drinks for free!

So I had to wake up at 5 am Sun.  that was a killer thank goodness I didn’t have to drive.  I dressed appropriately for the sunny weather we had, but didn’t take into account for the wind that would make it cold outside.  We walked around buying fruits and veggies along with tons of flowers to plant for hours from 8 am till 2 pm.  We stopped at a bakery down there in Detroit  for everyone to eat their breakfast.  I thank thank thank thank god I ate before I went because they all got crap for breakfast I don’t know how they ate it all that sugary nastiness.  After doing all that shopping we stopped back by that bakery which is also a deli and they ate lunch I snuck mine in because I had packed mine thank goodness for that also.  Once I got home I had to go right to work until 10 pm.  So that was one long day for me.  I also took a ton of pictures at the farmers market there’s a lot of interesting things in downtown Detroit.

I woke up on Mon with a horrible sore throat.  I had already had a runny nose, but after spending most of the day outside on Sun. it had gotten worse so I just layed in bed Mon and Tue and did nothing like absolutely nothing.  I had to work yesterday and today and I’m feeling much better so I had to come get some buddy love :]  tomorrow I’m going to plant all those flowers since I have another day off.  I’m very excited to plant my daylily I bought down there it was the sole purpose of me enduring waking at the butt crack of dawn and when I purchased it my life was complete… lol jk :p

OK so one event down another 2 maybe 3 to go.  The wedding was in an outdoors Japanese garden very small amount of guests were invited.  It was great that it was outdoors because I sat in a gazebo further away that way the baby wouldn’t want to run up to her mommy instead we played in the grass and ran/walked around while the wedding was going on.  The reception was in the most gorgeous place I’ve ever seen for a reception.  OMG it was jaw dropping.  I made sure I ate what I could before I left but that was at 11:30 and I really didn’t want to eat at the reception, but I was hungry so I ate all the fruit and veggies that weren’t slathered in anything which none of them were so that was awesome I also ate a plane salad with some Italian dressing.  I stayed away from the dessert table which was amazing there were about I would venture to guess 15 different cakes and pies up there the most amount of desserts in one place I’ve ever seen and there was still the wedding cake at the front of the roon!  I did have a half glass of a fuzzy naval, but only half and I had 2 pieces of pinapple, 2 large strawberries, 1 marshmallow and one pretxel dipped in chocolate from the chocolate fountain which was incredible so I think my night went great.  I ran around with the munchkin and danced with her she was a hit on the dance floor.  Lagy Gaga and her song “Just Dance” came on and she ran litterally ran to the dance floor and started bustin a move and she’s only 17 months old.  It wasn’t hard to watch her at the reception either because mom came and got her for most of it so she could mingle with her.  Oh I almost forgot as soon as I got home I changed and went to the bar to surprise my friend who’s in town she flew up from Florida and her mom called and asked me to go up there and surpirse her.  So I had a great time catching up with her while drinking my water :]  She was surprised to hear I don’t smoke or drink anymore she was so happy for me.  I’m going to try and catch up with her today too.  She’s going to Cedar Pointe tomorrow it’s an amusement park in Ohio such a fun place to go.  I wish I could go with her and ride all those big coasters.  Last time I went there the girl at the begining of one of the rides asked me to step aside and see if I could fit in the seat before I got on the ride, right in front of my friends talk about embaressing!  I just told her I wasn’t going to rise it just wait in line,  I really wanted to rise the ride so and knew I would fit so I hopped in the seat and I fit but almost just barely.  Ok I really got to go and finish getting ready.

I have the weekend off,  but not really.  I have to watch the baby again her mom has had me the last 3 weekends of this month!  She doesn’t pay me good,  but this little girl is too cute so I don’t care.  It’s not like it’s hard to watch her because when I do someone is always home with me like her grandma or her uncle (which is my flamboyant gay friend,) but they always have to go to bed early or are doing other things which is why she gets me as a babysitter.  Today I’m watching her at an outdoor wedding.  Her mom is the maid of honor and my friend is going to be there so I don’t think it will be to hard watching her,  she’ll probably want to sit on her uncles lap the whole time anyways… hahaha lucky me ;p  The real work begins when we leave the reception at 9 I have to go to her house and watch her until her mom gets back so that means I have to put her to sleep.  Now I’m a pro at putting babies to sleep (I think they like laying on my “pillows” lol)  it’s keeping her asleep that I have a problem with,  she is up and down every night I watch her so we’ll see how it goes.  Tomorrow I have to go to my cousins commencment ceremony he’s graduating from college with a bachelors in business and moving on sunday to Pennsilvania.  I’m going to miss him,  he’s like a brother to me we are only 4 months apart in age and have grown up together because our moms are so close.  I can only be happy for him though he’s getting out there to better his life.  Sunday I’m going to the Eastern Market in Detroit!!  Sometimes D-town can be scary,  but I’m excited because the eastern market is basically  a huge miles long farmers market!  I’m excited because this is where I’m getting my flowers for my flower bed and I want to get a ton of fresh fruits and veggies!!  I also love looking for jewelry there because it’s always unique and different.  So that is my weekend off which is actually pretty busy.  Oh and I forgot to mention I’m not sure if I have Sunday off, but if I do after I get back from the eastern market I have a wedding shower to go to.  I hope I work though lol I really can’t stand this girl she is such a drama queen.

On another note never take the Cold-Ease caughdrops.  I took 2 less than the recomended 4 a day and then as I read the back it said it may have a laxatve effect.  They were not lying.  I know TMI, but just be aware that if you take them I think that the chances are pretty high up there that it will have that effect for you.

I hate living at home with my mother.  Nothing I can do makes her happy and she yells at me for things I do then turns around and does them herself.  God I wish I could afford to move out of this shit hole.  I’m still the only one with a job, she can’t afford to pay rent or electric she has to get money from my grandma while I pay for the other bills and my own plus things for the house and her and my sister.  She is supposed to be the adult, yes I am too, but she is the mother she should be setting an example for me and my sister and the only one she is setting is that it’s ok to not have a job and to sit on your ass and just eat all day.  She doesn’t even try to get a job!  So it’s not like she can say there are no jobs out there.  Why did I get stuck with this shitty life!?   I’m going to school for my CNA I heard there was a 2 week program instead of the 6 or 8 week one so I’m hoping to do that and hopefully get a good job so I can move out.  I try to tell her she can do this program to, to go back to school it’s not like it would be for long and she just says yeah, yeah I’ll look inot it, but in the end she’s still sittting here on the couch drinking coke after coke and eating junk after junk.

Oh yeah and I’m sick now :[

My lover and I at the gay bar… he’s flippin’ hilarious loves him! FYI he’s my very flamboyant gay friend whom I love to pieces.

My little sister and I before her prom

In our local park we like to ham it up ;P

oh and to show how dark this girl gets when she tans…

who is this dude Rico Suave!?!?!

and just one more… I think she is absolutely gorgeous!

So I made it my higher calorie day on Mothers Day, but I didn’t want to go crazy with eating whatever, yeah…. that didn’t work very well.  I ate my healthy food and took about a Tablespoon full of a few other things that weren’t really that healthy for example Redskin potato salad, coleslaw and cottage cheese and then I had 2 tofu hot dogs with real buns (as opposed to none which I normally do) and I ate a couple doubled eggs and that was dinner, not so bad.  It was the desserts that were the killer.  I ate 2 brownies my fave!  and a bunch of sugar free angel food fluff, the only thing bad in that is the sugar free angel food cake, but it could have been worse and then why I don’t know, but I ate about 3 slices of this lemon cake it looked like angel food cake, but lemon flavored.  I had never had it before and it was addicting lol.   So I had to call it my way high calorie day hahaha.  I don’t feel bad about it I don’t want food to have that emotional contol over me I’m just trying to recognize that.  Today it was back to business as usual still minus the workouts, but tomorrow I’m searching for a doctor to go to about all my pain.  I was walking to my car today and once I got into it (this is after my work shift today) I tried to feel where my pain was and basically it was all my joints in my body they ALL ached.  I just can’t wait to get back to the gym… one day soon hopefully :]

Today I made sweet potato fries for dinner I seasoned them with chili powder and sea salt with a little bit of cayenne pepper they are so so yummy!  I’m going to get more right now actually.

Oh and who else is excited for The Biggest Loser finally!?  I don’t care what other people think about that show I still think that the people on there are inpirational anybody who loses that much weight is an inspiration here or there it doesn’t make a difference.   Go Tara!!